I moved.. again!

Oh blogspot, you are so limited. So, I'm moving on.

www.fawnykay.tumblr.com

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an
act, but a habit."

-- Aristotle

how tapes cured my dad

Two years ago, I was sad and really lonely (what's new, right?). My boyfriend had just dumped me and within a week had found some shiny new skeletor girl to screw. For days, I wore old '80s sweatpants courtesy of my father, I swore off anything and everything to do with personal hygiene, and lived off the stale Captain Crunch I found under my desk just so that I wouldn't have to go outside to buy groceries.

My friends did all they could to cheer me up. Funny anecdotes about poop didn't do it, having people awkwardly listening to me on the phone while I whimpered and sobbed didn't do it, and drinking a shit-ton of Smirnoff REALLY didn't do it.

So in a desperate attempt for companionship and understanding, I called my dad. He stayed on the phone with me for hours, relaying stories about his college life and his suffering from quote/unquote depression. He had just moved to New York and was naturally homesick. His foreignness freaked the other students out and the English he learned in Thailand couldn't sustain him here. So he went to talk to the school therapist and had his head shrunk.

The therapist ingeniously tells him that his "problem" is loneliness. Doctor Douche Bag then hands him a small tape recorder and tells him to "talk into it everyday as if it were [his] friend." My dad was bemused, but who was he to question a "doctor" of that caliber. So he went home and spoke into it everyday. He complained about teachers, his frustration with girls, and talked about how much he missed his mother's home cooking. Despite feeling really ridiculous, my dad was hopeful that with these tapes, El Douche could find a way to cure him of his sickness. After a month of the talking-to-yourself-like-a-crazy-person exercise, my dad goes into the therapist's office with the tapes one hand and the recorder in his other. Not long after my dad sat down did the school shrink ask him to take the tapes and crush them with his feet. My dad shifted his eyes, unsure of what he just heard and in his best English asked, "you want me to destroy these tapes?" "Precisely," the therapist answered.

Infuriated by the thought that he had wasted his time with some harebrained exercise, he threw the tapes and the tape recorder at his moronic therapist. Which, even though my dad left it out, was probably followed by a brief call to security about some psycho student rampaging about campus. In any manner, he left the office and since that incident, made more friends than he ever believed. He realized that only he could control his own happiness. That if something was making him upset, he had to find a way to fix it, or a way to embrace it. He said that everyone, EVERYONE, deserves to be happy and you should ever let small people or bad circumstances take away your right to that happiness.

I have to take my dad's advice to heart (and Leona Lewis' too) and learn to smile cause I deserve to. There are always going to be those people in life who want to tear you down. Or unideal circumstances that deteriorate your self-worth. The best way to approach these obstacles is just to be positive and live happily. And despite their attempts at ruining your person, those vindictive, cruel people are not bad people. They are just weak-minded and cowardly and the best we could do for society is to not be like them.

Over and out.

maybe not today, but someday

You know what, Brutus? It's okay. Because one day I will find someone who really loves me, and you're just a stepping stone to that day. And maybe it's true what they say, you have to kiss a couple of frogs until you finally find your prince. And I am NOT about to settle for any regular, old, slimy amphibian just yet.

(top: you; bottom: prince... swoon)

One day, I will find someone who won't know how to hurt me. I will find someone who won't feed me lie after lie, who won't take back his words when things get harry-- someone who is guileless, honest, and genuine.

I won't have to convince him to want me. I won't have to prove to him that I am worthy of his love. He will prove himself worthy of mine. He will love me for everything that I am. He will hold on tight in fear of never finding another me, in fear of never finding another "us".

He won't live to fulfill his egotistical impulses. Because I will be enough for him. I will be all he needs and all he wants.

He will remember anniversaries because every additional moment that we are together will be a moment to celebrate. Our love will be innocent, pure, and untainted by life's circumstances. Everyday we are together, I will wake up happy and loved and fall asleep just as happy and loved. And I will feel safe again. I don't expect expensive diamond rings; big, meaningless gestures; or empty sentiments. All I expect is not to be hurt. One day I will find someone who makes me feel safe again.

Thank you for revealing yourself for who you really are, just another green, little swamp thing. Now I can move on.

One day, I will not love in vain.

I know he exists. I've had it before. I know it exists.

FUCK YOU, MOSQUITOS

It's like 50 degrees here. Why are you mother fuckers still around, fucking up my skin?

gravity

Somtimes you never really understand the lyrics to a song until you're going through the same shit yourself.

This is Sara Bareilles' "Gravity."

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

for now

I am unemployed.
I am single.
I am poor and unaccomplished.

But I am still young. I am still ambitious. I am still determined.

I have hope that I someday I won't have to "keep my chin up" and "stay positive." I won't have to create my own happiness because it will have found me on its own.

(it's all only for now)